it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
