Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
