ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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