i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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