I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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