I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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