Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
