Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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