hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
