I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
