i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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