im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
