i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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