How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
