My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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