The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
