probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
