I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
