What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
