he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
