my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
