Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
