the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
