A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You ate ashes out of my bong
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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