Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I think i peed on brittanys purse
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
