You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
