Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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