I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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