i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
