Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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