maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
