He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
