I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
