Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
