Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
