You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
