Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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