I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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