Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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