I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
