Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
