Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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