He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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