First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
The Olympian is in my bed
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
