I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
