Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
