remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
