Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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