pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
