dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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