Your face is a jimmy john
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
