My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
