I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
