I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
